Why can't I get them out of my head.
It is currently 0400, and I'm still waking up in cold sweats because of dreams I'm having about them.
I'm still thinking about what happened, about how they took it, about what they think and how they feel.
These dreams are always about them, why does my brain want to ignore what they did? My brain still just
wants to make up with them, to make things right with them, but that's not something that's going to happen.
They want to demonize me and throw me away, just like how they treated anyone else who wronged them, I
am no different. Yet I could never do the same, I can't just ignore all they were and throw them away like nothing,
they were never nothing to me, they were the world to me. It wasn't healthy, I know that, but that's what they were.
How do you move on without a world to hold onto?
Attachment is such a fucked up thing, and so easily abused and misused. I miss them so much, even if they did hurt
me more than anyone else ever has, and I hate that feeling. It's tearing me into two, but I have to disconnect from
them, and worse yet, forget them. I naturally want to do everything in my power to "fix" this situation, but I can't
solve this, not in the way my brain wants. There's nothing I can do, and I can't have any faith in them anymore,
there's nothing left to do but to move on. Even though I desperately want to be able to fix things, I can't.
I just can't, and that's not going to change.
I don't watch the show, but I'm reminded of a quote from what I believe is Bojack Horseman: "When you view a person
with rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like other flags". And now that I can see the red flags for
what they are, and I can look back and see just how unhealthy 2020 was, I naturally want to do what I can to correct
course, to try and help some bygone situation that I can do nothing about anymore. I hate how my first instinct is
to try and help them, and to try and correct course, instead of looking after myself. After everything they've done
to me, and all the pain and trauma I've been dealt by their hand, all I want to do is help them. I hate it, so much,
why can't I just look after myself for once?
I guess it's time I try to go back to bed, and try to get what rest I can before work. I hope these nightmares
and spiralling thoughts get less and less common soon. I miss looking forward to sleeping.
Hope everyone's Friday can be better than how mine started. <3