I need to stop Worrying about them.
I really do just care about them an unbelievable amount, even now. I miss them everyday, and I really hope they are doing well, I just hope I can start doing well again too. I don't know what happened, this whole week
I've just felt like I've been thrown into a concrete wall. All of these thoughts are piling back up, and I wake up having dreams about "working it out" with them and being on good terms with them again,
even if not necessarily friends or anything. It's a great thought, isn't it? To finally just have the level setting conversation I've wanted for ages now. But that conversation isn't ever going to happen,
or I can't rely on it happening at least. I need to worry about myself, and focus on myself, and while I know having that conversation and talking to them would help me, that isn't going to happen.
I hate to be writing about them 2 times in a row, but this has basically been the only thing in my head for the last few days, and today I woke up crying and freaking out due to more dreams and thoughts about
them. 2020 is easily the most traumatizing year of my life, and I'm still not over it, not even close. More than missing them, I just want to know that they're okay, and doing well, but I can't focus on them again.
Most of 2020 was me only thinking and caring about them, and that's what caused it to be as bad and as traumatic as it was, for me. It's just in my nature to care, and to worry for those I care about, even when it's wildly
unhealthy too. So I need to stop caring about them so much, and use the energy I spend thinking about them, thinking about myself. But that's easier said than done, by a long shot. I want to apologize for the mistakes I
made, and I want them to realize how much they've hurt me, and for us to have a calm level set where we can move forward. But maybe they've already moved on, and I'm just stuck here cycling these thoughts in an infinite
loop. Who knows, I sure don't, and as a result I just need to move on too.
I finally deleted their contact out of my phone, and I deleted the selfies we had together. I'm finally doing what I can to cut ties with them mentally, but I'm still going to miss them. I can't help but remember who they
were, and see past their mistakes. I know how lovely and fantastic of a person they can be, even if they did sexually abuse me and lie to me for months, I saw the good in them with my own eyes. But their mistakes,
and the ways they treated me, need to never be forgotten. No matter how amazing of a person they can be, they still abused me, and threw me away after. I will never demonize them, but I cannot sugarcoat the past. I only
hope that they can become the best version of themself, but that's a hope I cannot act on, so I need to let go. I need to continue working on being the best version of myself, as that is something actionable.
Another important thing at least, is that I'm done running. A'yhense, while still a name I may adopt as a middle name, is not who I am. I am Ori, an autistic, lively person who always tries their best for others, even if
they stumble a lot along the way. But for how much I stumble, I will always try to take responsibility for my mistakes, and learn from them. A'yhense was a name I adopted to detach myself from the trauma of 2020, but now
I realize I was just delaying the inevitable. So it's time to stop running, and remember that no matter my flaws, I am me, and I am worth it.
I hope these nightmares stop soon, and they can slowly release their grasp on my mind. I want to be happy again, I miss feeling like there's a future for me. And in the off chance they stumble across this blog, I just want
to say: I hope you are having an amazing 2021. You will always have my support, even if I know I don't have yours. Be the best you can be, take responsibility for yourself and learn from the past.
I hope you blossum into the amazing person I know you can be.
I'll miss you.